you have lots of time to think when you're up all night

I pulled an all-nighter with the little guy the other night.  Like, a legitimate, full-blown, allllllll nighter.  He was sick, burning up, and miserably uncomfortable so I held him while he slept for 20 minute stints at a time.  He'd wake up, cry, and dose off again for another 20 minutes.  My heart was breaking for him.  Knowing that he was sick, I prayed earlier that night that he would sleep well.  But knowing that we might not get that lucky, I also prayed that if he didn't sleep well I would have the strength to give him what he needed during the night. 

A couple hours into the ordeal I stood there in the darkness rocking my sick baby - who could have been mistaken for a burning hot coal he was so feverish - and it suddenly hit me.  I said out loud to myself, "Wow.  I'm really going to be up the entire night, aren't I."  And it was so strange because I was somehow okay with it.  I was exhausted and weary, but it was like someone was telling me, "This is ONE night in thousands and thousands of nights.  It's going to be okay.  You can do this."  I thought of other babies around the world who were crying much like my little Will, but not while in a safe house, not while wearing warm pajamas, and not with a full stomach.  I thought of their mothers who probably wish more than anything they could be rocking their sick baby in a warm home in a safe country.  I felt humbled and so thankful.  In that moment I really felt the Lord's help in recognizing my blessings.  That gratitude is what fueled me during the long night.  I knew my prayer had been heard and that I was being given strength to take care of my baby.

When you are up the whole night, you have a lot of time to think.  My mind went a million different places but mostly I was thinking about motherhood and how nerve-wracking and anxiety-filled it can be for me sometimes, especially when I begin to compare myself to other moms.  (Social media can be great, but it can also be straight from the devil, I tell you.)  But then I remembered one of my most favorite quotes by Anita Stansfield about how a mother's life is not meant to be a carbon copy of any other mother's life, and how everything all works out in the end.  We are all different, and that is okay.  My experience with motherhood is just that...it's MINE.  And things work out.  I truly, truly, truly believe that.

Being a mom is hard.  (Whoa!  Understatement of the century!)  But I do feel like it is what I'm supposed to do with my life.  Not because I am exceptionally fabulous at it, but because I just feel like it's what I wanted to do before I was even born.  (Which is kinda saying A LOT because there are days - like today - where all I want is to be LEFT ALONE for FIVE MINUTES, people!!!  Can I please just go to the bathroom by myself??!)  But when it really comes down to it, there is just nothing - nothing - that brings me closer to the Lord than motherhood.  And the reason why is because there is nothing that brings me to my knees faster or more often than motherhood does.  And being on my knees praying to my Father in Heaven brings me closer to Him and his Son and there really isn't anything better than that.

Here's to hoping for more sleep in the future ;)